He didn't kiss me once. We drove to the spot, he got out and took pictures, I read his notebook without realized that I shouldn't have, he came back and he drove me home. I got up this early so we could hang out for 1/2 an hour. Poo. I am doing homework.

What I need to write about is what I read in his notebook. I understand that I shouldn't have been reading it in the first place ... but ... tempting ... you know. He gave me his old one so I just automatically assumed that this one would be Andrea-friendly.

It wasn't.

Every fear and doubt that I have had about our relationship was written right in there. He talked about other girls that he is interested in. One who had a long name beginning with the letter L from his first hour (no wonder he doesn't let me walk him there) and another who he told me likes him (he never told me she was in his fourth hour).

For so long I have felt like I am over reacting and paranoid and constantly jealous... I wish that I was just those things. That would be better than being right.

Forget ever trusting another guy. Maybe I wasn't doubting, I was simply sensing.

Well... couldn't I find myself guilty of similar crimes? Not really. I look at other guys, but I have yet to label them or admit feelings for them. I haven't picked out my new "potential boyfriends." Goddamn it. What is wrong with me? How come this happens everytime I let someone get close to me.

I have never liked a guy as much as I like Brian, which is why I need to really set my mind to ending this relationship before it gets any harder on me. If I were strong, I would gradually ease my dependence on him until I am ready to quit... instead his feelings for these other girls will simply stir rage against him/myself within me until I leave for college.

I think he should go hook up with Melissa and leave me to hate him in peace.

I just hurts.

Andreaya