Thanks Andrea.  You're right on all counts; I can't think of anything at all right now without it reminding me of Hasan.  But it's only what I remember of him.  I could have known him so much better, or asked him questions that I will never get the chance to ask him now.  And since I don't believe in God, it frightens me mercilessly that he must have been so sad or angry in the last moments of his life.  The last emotion he felt before plummeting away out of existence was hopelessness.  I can't do anything to make him happy now; he's hopeless forever.

Despite this conclusion of powerlessness, I can't thank you enough for your support.  You're a terrific friend to help me through this with such eloquence and sympathy.

I'm listening to Clouds Taste Metallic by the Flaming Lips.  Its psychedelic lyrics are a welcome vacation from reality.

Dan is much more aware of what he is going through than I still am with Steve.

A friend of mine recently told me about watching a video in which Steve calls my cell phone.

This shocked me. I was surprised that he would have called my phone. In my own mind I had forgotten that we were friends before he died. I felt so separate from everyone else's mourning... I felt like I shouldn't grieve to the degree that I did because Steve and I were never that close.

But we were close. He called my cell phone on that video. He visited me the Sunday before he died. He had made plans with me on that Sunday to visit again on the Thursday night that he took his life.

So, why did I forget this friendship? Because I never knew who he actually was. He lied to me, a lot. Probably a lot more than I will ever know about.

I will never know why he told me the car he was picking up for Chris was his own car. I will never know why he told me that he picked the car up in Minnesota when he had actually gone to Wisconsin. There was a part of Steve that I never knew. This makes my sadness over his death so incomplete. If he was never honest with me, did I actually know him? Our relationship began to feel false in retrospect. But, he called my cell phone in that video. I bet I have a lot of other memories of him that will come out over time.

I am sad because he will never know that I didn't care whose car it was. He will never know that, if I had known he came all the way from Wisconsin, I wouldn't have left our visit to go to work. He will never know that, when he didn't call me that Thursday night to make plans, I noticed.

oh, Steve! Why didn't you just jump off a building hopelessly like Dan's friend instead of hiding in the woods and leaving me with so many questions. I will write a letter someday... I just still feel silly writing what I just wrote.

He is still in my head.