I logged on at a convenient time for Chris to talk to me online. Several minutes pass. He IMs me, wishes me a happy valentines day and then says:

Chris: fyi, i'm a failure and you should forget about me and run off across europe
Andrea: I did that last week
Chris: because i couldn't find international flower delivery that didn't cost me my firstborn
Chris: oh, excllent
Chris: i knew i liked you for some reason... preemptive thinking
Andrea: did you find a postcard that didn't cost you a firstborn?

and then he changed the subject, and I asked again, mid conversation

Andrea: So, there isn't a valentine in the mail for me?
Chris: like i said, i'm a failure and you should forget me and run off across europe
Andrea: I just needed to know so I stop pulling a charlie brown "no valentines for me" everytime I come home
Chris: but there will be a very very belated one
Andrea: promise?

I don't even want his stupid belated valentine now. THE IDEA OF VALENTINES DAY IS GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY ON A SPECIAL ROMANTIC DAY FOR THE OTHER PERSON. If he knew me at all, he would know that I would newver want him to order me flowers. I suspect he never even checked flower rates, just assumed.

If he had actually wanted to do something nice for me today, he could have just sent a card like I did. It is cute, in german, I didn't even write love anywhere on it to make him more comfortable.

He does want me to run away with some european! There is clearly nothing that he wants more. I mean absolutely nothing to him now. He doesn't remember when I leave for Germany, he hasn't wrote me a single letter, he skipped Valentines day-- the only contact I have had since I left are two IMs and an angry response to my angry e-mail. He would never tell me that things are over, he is just going to slowly ignore me to death, clearly.

I just want to go back to bed.

One year my parents forgot my birthday. I mean, they knew it was coming, but they just wrote me a check and bought a cake. I got really upset, because I was an angsty teen and did that kind of thing a lot. All I wanted them to do was go out of their ways, just a little bit, to make me feel special. So my dad went upstairs, on his computer, and typed a list of my good qualities, printed it out, and gave it to me.

While I was still upset, it meant the world to me.

Chris is allowed to neglect me the way he has been, but part of me has been expecting a "I love you even though I am not putting any effort into this relationship" gesture from him. That was going to come in the form of a valentine.

I don't want his belated valentine that I assigned him as homework. I just want him to love me again.

I accidentally referred to Chris as my boyfriend the other day. Neal, boy I have a 1/2 crush on, asked me if my boyfriend was going to be coming to visit me. I realized that spring break is a few weeks away. He must not be coming- especially since we can barely talk right now.

I should take his advice, forget about him and run off across europe. I already did the run off across europe part. The other part is what I have been struggling with for weeks now.