"Never get so attached to a poem, you forget truth that lacks lyricism."

And I think a lot about what I would tell him if he called one day. I am back in New York after this whole program. Grandma's apartment. My cell phone rings. (It wouldn't, it is in Chicago right now.) His name. Would I answer it? I get an e-mail from him. Would I respond to it? I would just say something like "it was the most hurtful thing you could have ever done to me." But even that wouldn't be right.

I think he has shown me the cruelest gesture: nothing at all. That is exactly what I will give him. He had the luxury to decide to not need me in his life. I don't have that ability. The only power I have is to not let him back into my life. I will exercise it if given the chance, and completely fall apart in the process. But that can't be any worse than what I am going through right now, right?

There really is much more going on in my life right now other than feeling sad about Chris. I am in Europe right now, having the time of my life, really enjoying everything. I can tell the entire world how wonderful things are for me, but I can't talk to anyone in my life about Chris. They just don't want to hear it. So, he will stay in guilty diary entries and the thoughts I push myself to forget.