The entire trip, I scribbled little "dear chris" letters into my notebook. Here they are for my own "enjoyment." Please skip this. It is angsty and just for me.

Dear Chris,

Do you remember those times our voices cracked and we admitted how scary it was to be in love? I was scared of the pain of losing you, while you were just scared to remain in my arms.

-Andrea

Dear Chris,

You didn't give me the couresy of a break-up. I will not give you the courtesy of closure

-Andrea

Dear Chris,

You can either imagine who I'm not, or remember who i am. Either way, it is probably best to forget since I will never let you in again.

-Andrea

Dear Chris,

I want nothing to do with you ever again. Not only did you take away all of my favorite things to think about, but you did it with no explanation. If I was ever truly the most important thing to you, I doubt you would have been able to do this as easily. The the most important person in your life stops talking to you, how are you supposed to feel about yourself? You ruined my favorite memories, and almost my belief in true love. If I ever take you back, god help me, because we both know that you are far too self-obsessed to ever love me the way that you once claimed. Fuck you, jerk.

-Andrea

Dear Chris,

WHY I AM BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU
1. Too self-obsessed. I just encouraged you.
2. Immature: Your drug/alcohol abuse always worried me. i never told you that.
3. Staying in touch would have just been a tease. We will never be in a position to actually be in each other's lives.
4. You held me back from other lovely european romances...
5. I thought about you too often, and such thoughts were just as stressful, upsetting and unpleasant as they are right now.
6. I was always worried about losing you. At least I lost you and don't have to fear it anymore.
7. No more "wish you were here" thoughts
8. Neither of us ever had the discipline to write good letters to each other... well, maybe we did, but clearly not the dedication on your side.
9. At least this way I can verbally blame you for ending things (though that means internally blaming me).

-Andrea

Okay, yes, that was angstyer than I remembered when I scribbled them. I am almost at the Anger stage of loss. Or, at least trying to be there. Sometimes when he creeps into my mind, I throw a few punches in the air and feel a little better for an instant.

Sex on a marble staircase with this british boy while I was in Rome. Woo hoo. Big deal. Not at all... I don't really have feelings for anyone anymore. He is already signing his e-mails with "love" while I have already forgotten his sweet face.

My german friend Max almost kissed me last night, but I moved away. I have no business kissing anyone when I feel so cold towards everything romantic.

I was trying to explain to Kate last night why I am not going to ever see the british boy who I met in Rome again. (he wants me to visit him in London, listen to the smiths for a while, get a hotel room.) I just summed up the Chris flopping really basically, but still almost started crying.

She said, "I know this sounds silly and pointless right now, but everything always works out in the end." That's exactly what I would have said to myself from her position. It is true. This will work out. I just want it to hurry up with that working outedness.

I have all these bitter feelings towards Chris right now. Sometimes I picture myself as a fist clenched Brian, angrily smoking cigarettes, telling me what a terrible person I am and shutting me out of his life. I don't want to be a Brian towards Chris. I don't want to wear my sadness like a condolence prize. I can't violently shut Chris out if/when we cross paths again. Nothing will come of that but hurt. While I fantasize about being very terrible to him right now, I truly hope that my emotions will stabilize and Chris can become a scar rather than oozing gap in my life that I hide away from myself.

So yes, maybe I am getting better with this, bit by bit. And maybe I will see the British boy in London. He was awful cute and makes me feel beautiful.