I fell asleep last night after drinking a bottle of wine with Lirra, and then staying up in my bed alone watching a Vampire movie (oh... Werner Herzog...). In the middle of the night, I woke up with one of those cramps in my left calf muscle. I guess I overdid the bike thing yesterday, because I can’t remember ever having one this painful. I was nauseous with pain, frozen in place, and trying not to scream for endless seconds, minutes. I got up, determined to make it to the bathroom before puking, and collapsed in the middle of my floor close to passing out. Thoughts included: "This is it, I am going to die here alone" and all sorts of confused things you think to yourself in the dark, after watching a vampire movie, dizzy, and still in unbelievable pain.

I stood up, made it to the bathroom, and sat on the floor until the nausea faded.

This morning became the realization of a lot of things. Neal sent me an e-mail asking me if I hated him. Nothing is further from the truth! But I haven’t been on instant messenger for over a week… and I haven’t made plans with anyone but Rory and Lirra through e-mails… and I am back to torturing myself over Chris. As if I ever stopped, but this time it is a bit different.

It is hard hearing about his life through Evan so often now.

And then came the hardest thing I have ever had to admit to myself:
Yes, Chris gave up on me, but I am the one who pushed him away. I can’t get over, in looking back at diary entries and letters, how absolutely insane I was in January. I knew I needed to end this serial monogamy, but to accuse Chris of never having been my boyfriend, writing him cryptic postcards and doing nothing but blaming him and being angry with him—all over a late phone call… augh. He was not my toy to manipulate, he was someone I was in love with. He is never going to come back into my life, I know it now.

It was all my fault and then I tricked myself into blaming him all these months. Blaming him for one of the greatest losses of my life the the only person I have to blame is me.

I am typing this, but it hasn't come close to sinking in yet. No time.